Accountability and Body Doubling for ADHD Brains

Study hall versus the resource center

Danielle: Hello, hello. It’s Danielle and my co-host, and we are talking about the importance of accountability and body doubling, because they go together when you’re ADHD. Having accountability is helpful, but it’s not the whole package. I could show up to study hall all the time, but, and I don’t know how many people went to study hall when they were in school, unless someone’s walking around trying to keep everybody on task, or saying “hey, that looks awesome, what are you working on,” study hall meant a lot of people went to sleep.

Co-host: I colored on my arm or my jeans. I didn’t actually study, and I needed study hall badly. Study hall was no help. But when I went to the resource center, that was like study hall on steroids. I got help, and usually the help was: “What are you supposed to be working on?” That was it. Nobody telling me how to do anything, or the right way to do the thing. Just, “What are you supposed to be doing?” Which made me think and go, “Oh yeah, I have that homework buried in my book bag that I need to do.”

Danielle: And when you’re ADHD, whether you have a day job, or you’re an entrepreneur, or a stay-at-home mom, just having someone say, “Hey, what’s on the agenda for today?” is game changing. What are your intentions for this next hour? What do you want to get accomplished? If your intention is to just sit around and visit with me and drink some coffee, I’m cool with that, as long as I know going in. But if we’re here today and your intention is to get your laundry folded, and this person over here has an intention of filling out some resumes, then y’all are working, and I need to find something to work on too. That is the beauty of the accountability and body doubling partnership.

Co-host: And a lot of it, for ADHDers, is because we need the reassurance that we’re not the only ones struggling to get a task done.

It is not just for entrepreneurs: coaches, day jobs, and IEPs

Danielle: Yesterday, we ran community body doubling sessions, and the only people that showed up to the one I ran were other coaches, because we were all having a hard time getting a task done that we’d been assigned by our manager. So we got together and body doubled to get a work task done. And one of my clients came on last week and had to do her expense report for travel from her day job. So it’s not just for entrepreneurs, or just for stay-at-home moms folding laundry. It’s for everyone to get the annoying task done. I say this kind of jokingly: you need your emotional support ADHDer to get it done.

Co-host: Absolutely. I have used it for so many different things. When I was a teacher, I would use body doubling to help get through the 800 IEPs I had to write every year, because if not, they would just sit and pile up, and then, like we all do, the night before, I’d have to get it done. I’ve used it to get laundry done, or chores, or things I forgot. There’s nothing better than being at body doubling and saying, “Oh, I don’t have anything to work on,” and then you start looking through your to-do list and you’re like, “Oh, there’s stuff written on the back of this post-it note at the bottom of the page that I forgot about from yesterday. Crap, I’ve got to do that.”

But it’s also not just emotional support. We are more likely, as ADHDers, to show up for somebody else than we are for ourselves. So if you’re there to support somebody else getting things done, you’re more likely to get things done yourself. I have a client that goes to a writing group every morning at 7:00, and her goal is to be a published writer. On her own, individually, even though she knows what to do, she’s not as successful as when she goes to this group. They set their intentions and they write for an hour. If someone is struggling, they help, but they’re still there to work on this one thing. I think last year she told me she had published four different pieces. So it works, and you can make it as niche as possible.

Danielle: And you can make it as broad as possible. Even if it’s “I have 25 five-minute things to do and I need to get them done in this hour.” You could be making dinner, eating lunch, because you know we forget to eat, and drinking water. Speaking of which… oh yes.

What body doubling does to overwhelm, RSD, and executive dysfunction

Danielle: But having that accountability, and that emotional support that goes with it, you want to know what else it does? It increases your focus and decreases your executive dysfunction. It decreases your RSD. Because when your executive dysfunction is really high, so are your RSD, your overwhelm, your burnout, all of those things. So if you can decrease your overwhelm, increase your success loops, increase your dopamine, by having other people who get you showing up on a Zoom call, maybe somebody in pigtails and goofy earrings, or with Star Wars stuff behind them, showing up with someone else decreases your overwhelm, RSD, and executive dysfunction.

This morning I did a three-hour body doubling session that I opened up to our community members on the fly. I let them know, “Hey, I have three hours and a ton of stuff to get done. I will be available to you.” And somebody came in to show me all of the content she has scheduled out from now through the end of March, and she was so excited. Because she was so excited and giggly, everybody else got really excited and happy, and at the end of the call somebody else said, “Oh, I got so much done because Denise was so happy.”

Co-host: You can ride on that energy.

Danielle: And here’s the other thing about an accountability group or body doubling group: you are each other’s hype people. My daughter comes in and she’s so excited, and I’m still buzzy from that little injection of energy. In body doubling, someone gets something done, someone gets great news, they share it, and everybody levels up. We are super susceptible to the energy in a room, so why not lean into it and channel it? We’re going to pack this room full of people that are doing things productively, people who are celebrating their accomplishments, people that are like us. You get success loops, you get energy, you get all of the things just by showing up to a Zoom call.

Co-host: I also love the fact that we help each other, too. “Hey guys, I’m really struggling with this in this certain program,” and someone’s like, “Oh yeah, I can show you how to do that in five minutes.” Having a community of like brains, whether you’re bipolar, or ADHD, or autistic, or have learning disabilities, or you are an exhausted, overwhelmed mom, which means your brain is working like an ADHD brain right now even if it doesn’t normally, you get all of these people in a room and everybody has a solve for whatever the thing is you’re dealing with. There is always a solve from somebody in the room.

A couple weeks ago, we had somebody come on who has a toddler, and he was throwing a fit, and two of us entertained the toddler for a few minutes so mom could get the one thing done that she wanted. I was playing peekaboo with a toddler on Zoom. And you’re like, well, how is that helpful? Because mom, who was overwhelmed and exhausted, was able to get done the thing that was making her feel more overwhelmed and more exhausted. All I did was play peekaboo for five minutes, and I was giggling so hard, I had so much joy from playing with this little guy, that I was able to take that into my next task and move on.

Danielle: And then somebody asked, “Hey, I don’t know how to do this,” and it was, “Well, did you sign in here?” and they went “oh.” It cuts straight to the chase. A lot of us that did do study halls as kids were in there with all kinds of people, and it was hit or miss. I’m telling you, body doubling sessions and accountability sessions with people that are like you are 100 percent different from anything you’ve ever experienced. It’s awesome.

Conference mode: borrowing each other’s brains and energy

Co-host: It really is. Danielle and I went to a conference, and we were out chatting and networking in all our sparkly glory, and then we would sit down and work an hour, because this is what neurodivergence can do, and we would get four or five hours of work done. Then we’d go back and network, then take another hour and work. We did that back and forth all week, and I didn’t feel behind when we got back.

Danielle: Because when you’re in someone else’s energy, and it’s positive energy, it carries you. I remember that while we were at the conference, I had a client thing I was really struggling with. And she gets how my brain works. We’re carbon copy brains sometimes, I think. I asked her a question and she said, “Well, did you think of it this way?” And I said, “Well, no, I didn’t, but that was obvious. Thank you.” And I went on and got the thing done, something I had been struggling to figure out how to communicate. She answered my question, I got an energy hit from her being able to answer it, and she got an energy hit because I was so happy. You end up with this amazing energy exchange, this vibe you feed off of each other. And even if somebody comes into one of these sessions in total breakdown mode, everybody is so empathetic, and we’re able to step in and give them whatever it is they’re missing in that moment to get them out of it.

For the people who just want to work quietly

Danielle: One other thing. I know there are some people listening at home, or while they’re on the treadmill, thinking, “But if I go to these body doubling sessions, I just need to work. I can’t get looped into everybody’s stuff.” First off, that is 100 percent okay. You are going to work in your little section over here with people that need to get stuff done and don’t have the spoons or the bandwidth to help. Because there will be two or three people who say “I’ve got this,” take the person who needs help over to the side, help them, and then we all come back to the group. I don’t want people to miss out on the amazingness of accountability and body doubling because you’re afraid you’re going to get sucked into someone’s dramatic quicksand. It’s a bit of understanding what you need when you come in. And maybe you don’t know what you need when you come in, and you start talking to people and go, “Oh no, too many spoons required, got to walk away.” We have quiet spaces. We have talk spaces. We have listen-to-music spaces. We have watch-a-movie spaces. I watched Star Wars a couple days ago with a client, because that’s what she needed. She wanted to watch Star Wars and get some tasks done. Great, that’s what we need, let’s do it.

Co-host: And there’s always somebody who has your same energy vibe and need, all of the time. There always is. And maybe it’s, “Well, yeah, I’m willing to do that with you,” and then you find, “Oh, that’s what I needed today. That’s what I was missing.” You don’t even necessarily know it going in.

Why successful entrepreneurs still need a body double

Danielle: One of the big things, if you’re an entrepreneur: people ask me all the time, because I’ve built multiple successful businesses and I do 20 things at a time, “How do you do that?” Accountability and body doubling. I don’t have a coach that shows me how to run my business. I know how to do my business. I don’t need somebody to tell me how to be a coach or how to be a marketing agency owner. I know how to do that. But I need somebody to remind me that I wrote down this morning that I had three things I was going to get done and I haven’t worked on them yet. I need somebody to get on a call and say, “Hey, what are you doing right now?” Remind me of the thing that I already know I’m supposed to do. That is the success, and that is the difference between a successful ADHDer and one that’s in overwhelm and frustration and shame mode all the time. That is the only difference. Are there some other tools that go with accountability and body doubling? Yes, and they’re tools we give everybody coming into our world: understanding how executive dysfunction works, understanding all the mechanics of being ADHD. But really, when it comes down to it, the thing we give them is accountability and body doubling. Because we’re freaking smart. We know what we’re supposed to be doing. That is not the issue.

Co-host: Oh, I agree. With my education background, I was a teacher for so long, there are kids that sit in rooms and you would see they were so smart, so much smarter than the lesson being taught. Of course they were disruptive. My own children were like this. And they weren’t disruptive with mal intent, they were wiggling, tapping on their desk, maybe daydreaming, but they weren’t paying attention because they needed it explained at a higher level. I still butt heads with my son, he’s homeschooled, and he’ll say, “Mom, I can do this math in my head.” And I say, “I know you can, but I need you to do at least one on paper so I know you’re not missing a step.” Because he is so smart, he rushes through it and sometimes misses a step. It’s those people that hold us accountable: “No, come on, just one. Show me you know the steps, and then you go do your thing.”

Favorite wins: cutting the death spiral short

Co-host: So what is your favorite part of having body doubling available to you all the time?

Danielle: Oh gosh. My favorite part, and this does take a little practice, is that you have to be able to recognize when you’re starting to get into overwhelm, when you’re inching toward burnout, and your to-do list seems longer at the end of the day than it was at the beginning. When I start feeling that way, instead of spending a week death spiraling and shaming myself, I just look at it and go, “Okay, I’m going into body doubling tomorrow, and I’m going to cut this down.” It may take me a week of knocking a chunk off my list every day, but I’m going to knock it down, and at the end of the week I’m going to feel 100 percent better. I leaned into what I needed, I cut out the shame, and I just got it done. That’s my favorite part. It took me from frustrated with myself all the time, “I know what I’m supposed to be doing, I’m really not lazy, why is this so hard, why can’t I make myself do it,” to “Oh yeah, that’s easy. I’ll schedule that for two o’clock today when I have body doubling.”

Co-host: I agree. And the other thing I think it does is make us more mindful of the things we commit to. Because we overcommit to things. That’s part of the reason we get overwhelmed. It doesn’t matter if it’s within our business or our personal life. And if I haven’t overcommitted to things, I will end up giving myself homework. “Let’s read this book and take notes on it. Let’s start this online course.” We do this stuff because, I really feel, for a lot of us, when we were kids, if we sat still for too long, people told us to get up and move because we were being lazy. Or we would get up and do stuff, but it wasn’t things people thought were productive, so we were shamed that way too. Accountability sessions and body doubling keep me from overcommitting past what I can actually do.

Teaching your kids to body double without telling them

Danielle: So what is your biggest success story as a mom using body doubling?

Co-host: I taught my kids how to do it. They just don’t know that’s what I taught them. My favorite educational tactic is that of an educational ninja: we’re going to play, and I’m going to teach you something, and you’re going to tell everyone that I never make you do any work, but you’re going to learn all this stuff. So I taught the kids body doubling. The laundry has been on the couch for a week, it’s my son’s, it needs to be done, so we have what we call a tag team session. Sometimes we’ll all tag team that one task, but a lot of times we’re each just doing a task, and he needed a body double to get the laundry done. When it’s time for them to clean their room, they’ll say, “Hey Mom, can we tag team?” Absolutely. I’ll go in and tell them where to start, because they’re still kids and they need help with executive function, and then, “Okay, I’m going to go load the dishwasher, I’ll be right back.” I go do a chore and come back. We body double cleaning at our house. They just don’t know that’s what we’re doing.

Danielle: That’s awesome. I think one of my best successes as a mom is that my son now does it with his wife, because I did the same things with him. “Hey, let’s set a timer and see what we can get done in 10 minutes.” So they set timers, they do dance parties, they get things done. All of those are things he and I did when he was a kid, and now he’s carried that over to his wife, who is ADHD and wasn’t given the skills she needed as a kid. Now he’s teaching them to her. Their house is clean, they’re functional adults. And when I was told my son would never be functional, that’s everything.

The avoided task is usually the shortest one

Co-host: Now, as an entrepreneur, what’s one of the best things a body double has done for you?

Danielle: As an entrepreneur? It always helps me get the boring stuff done. There are so many shiny bells and whistles I could twist off on, I could create content, I could do this, and there’s always that one ugly stepsister from Cinderella task sitting over there that I need to do, and it just keeps sitting there, because I’m like, “No, I don’t want to. It’s not fun.” Body doubling keeps me mindful and keeps those things done. Because what’s going to happen is it’s going to sit there so long it causes a hole in my business, and either things fall apart, or I outsource it, which is fine, but it’s an expense that, if I had just sat down for 30 minutes, I could have avoided. One of my biggest lessons was learning that I can close serious money in a day if somebody makes me answer my DMs. Because I hate answering my DMs. Right now I have 52 unanswered DMs on Facebook.

Co-host: Girl. I think I have four, and I need to answer them, and there’s probably money in there.

Danielle: There might be.

Co-host: Okay, this is a lesson for everybody: there’s money in Danielle’s DMs, and she needs to go answer them. A lot of times there’s money in your mail, too. When you let it sit there and stack up and you don’t open it, I have gone through the doom box of my mail, it’ll build up every couple months, and when I go through it, I always find money in it. There’ll be a check I didn’t know about that needs to get cashed. So the thing you’re most avoiding is probably where your most success will come from when you’re a business owner. And if you have a career and you’re working for someone else, the task you’re avoiding the most is probably the shortest task you have to do.

Danielle: Yes. I had a conversation yesterday with a client who has had a broken window in the house for four years, and he’s been putting this task off. It took him 5 minutes to call the guy to fix it. The guy came out the same day. Five minutes to call, same day service, and $25. And he did it while we body doubled. He even knew who to call. It wasn’t a matter of figuring out who to call. We work these things up in our heads. He thought it was going to take hours and that he’d eventually have to figure out how to fix it himself, and I said, “No, let’s make a phone call.”

Co-host: Do you want to know the number one thing neurodivergent people procrastinate on? Their taxes. And those are coming up. I’m just putting that out there.

Danielle: So maybe we should run some extra body doubling sessions in our community for tax prep.

Co-host: We should definitely do that. I need help with tax prep myself. And I know we have our ADHD Summit coming, and there are things I have to do to get ready for that, and I’m going to ask for some body doubling. And in March we’re going to launch a spring cleaning, ADHD style, option, where we help each other body double, and I’ll give you a task list of what to go clean so you don’t have to think about what to clean, or how to clean it, because we’ll show you, and we’ll body double with you.

An option for every energy level, even the non-joiners

Danielle: So body doubling and accountability are the keys to optimizing and upgrading your ADHD.

Co-host: It really is. You want to upgrade your ADHD? Get a body double. And if you don’t know where to go, we built a community for people that are like-minded and need help. It doesn’t matter what you need help with. It’s not just for entrepreneurs, not just for people with day jobs, not just for stay-at-home moms. We’ve got college kids, and we’re opening up an area for high school kids. We’re giving every ADHDer a space to get help.

Danielle: Because we found a way. And Jeff Goldblum says it in Jurassic Park: life finds a way. If life can find a way in Jurassic Park, neurodivergence can find a way in our community. And if you’re not a big joiner? Not a problem. We can still help you. You don’t have to be super social to do this. I’ve had that question a few times: “But I don’t really like to hang out with people.” You don’t have to talk to anybody, I promise. You can if you want to, we’re here to talk to if you need it. But if you don’t really want to hang out and you still need the help, let us know. There’s an option for everybody, because there are days I don’t want to talk to people either.

I tell everybody, when you’re trying to do a behavior, and in this case it’s getting stuff done, you need a high energy option, a mid energy option, and a low energy option. Know going in, if you’re going to participate in body doubling, what’s your energy level today: high, medium, or low? We have specific sections in our body doubling, here are all our low energy people, they’re going to sit over there and do their stuff, here are the mid level folks, if you need to separate like that. If you’re struggling with task paralysis, take stock, see what your energy level is, and then pick a task that matches it. You can still get a task done. It just may be one that matches your energy level.

Co-host: It absolutely does. And there’s something different for everyone, every single day of the week.

Danielle: Come join us. If you have questions, message us. There are so many ways to get a hold of us, underneath this video or on the podcast. We believe in this so much, and we want to offer ADHDers support at a level they can actually afford, because so many of us cannot afford mental health support. That’s what this is. We hope that you’ll join us.