How to Make Neurodivergent Friends as an Adult

Why making neurodivergent friends as an adult is so hard

Good morning, everyone. This is Danielle, Shay, and Tara with ND OutLoud and ND Hive. We are here to talk about making an ND bestie, and why it is so freaking hard, when you’re an adult, to find neurodivergent friends who get you. Friends you don’t have to mask with, you don’t have to explain things to, you don’t have to constantly backpedal your goofy joke or the rabbit trail you just went down. Or apologize for interrupting. All the time.

So, how hard has it been for you to make friends that just get you?

Extremely. Extremely difficult, in many different ways. Even within my own family, whether it’s the in-laws or my own immediate family, they just don’t get it. And it’s funny, because even within our own families we have a lot of neurodivergence, but they just don’t seem to connect. Or with friends, it’s like you were saying, Tara, having to say “I’m sorry for interrupting” constantly. But if there’s a group of us together that are neurodivergent, we don’t have to apologize. Or we do, and everybody’s like, “Stop. Don’t say that.”

And it allows us to just talk freely. Whereas if we’re constantly saying “I’m sorry,” constantly apologizing, I think subconsciously that keeps telling us that we’re not enough, or we’re not okay to be within this group. So we feel that out-of-sorts, don’t-fit-in thing.

The two-week text reply and the “responded in my head” problem

When I think about my friend group, and the friends I have that are neurodivergent, when they text me and it takes me like two weeks to get back to them, I don’t have to worry about them being upset with me, or it causing issues within the friendship, because they just understand. I saw it, and had all intentions of replying, and my brain just went somewhere else. Something else shiny and flashy caught my attention, and next thing you know, something two weeks later reminds me: “Oh, this person texted me. My bad.”

I don’t even have to say “my bad” anymore with my neurodivergent friends. It’s just, “ADHD moment, I responded in my head,” and everybody laughs and nobody takes offense. And something I am very aware of is I make sure to always say that, “ADHD moment, responded in my head,” because RSD is definitely something that all of us with neurodivergence deal with. Even if they may have been having a little bit of RSD in the moment, that is apology enough to just move on, because they get it.

Conversations that go everywhere and always come back

And I love, especially when we were at Disney, that people walking around us had to think we were insane, because our conversations went everywhere and nowhere, all over the place. If anybody was a fly on the wall listening to us, they had to be extremely confused. We’ll start a conversation at one point, stop that conversation, not because we’re stopping it, just because we diverted, and then we come back to that conversation, and it could be hours later, days later, a week or two later. That happens in my own house. But to do it with you guys at Disney was so fun and so nice, because you could just breathe. You didn’t have to match your behavior or your thought processes to anyone.

The people behind us in lines, or on the Skyliner with us, must have wondered what was happening, because we were having so many different conversations, but we all followed along. And that was the nicest part: nobody had to say, “Oh, what you just said reminded me of this, and this is why I’m talking about this.” It’s an unspoken thing. Okay, that’s where your brain went. Let’s roll with it. We’ll eventually make our way back at some point or another. Maybe by a text message three weeks later, but we’ll make it back. We always do make it back to the conversation.

I think Shay and I have had a couple times in the last few months where we’ll start a conversation and jump back into it, and I don’t have to explain and remind you what the conversation was. Sometimes it’s a trigger, we start talking about something that’s related in the tiniest way, and we’re like, “Oh yeah, just like we were talking about a month ago.” And it cracks me up every single time, because I’m like, oh, she totally gets me. I don’t have to walk through the whole lead-in to the conversation we already had. It’s draining if we have to keep doing that over and over. And honestly, I forget what I was going to say by the time I give the background about what I’m about to say. By the time I give the precursor, it’s gone. No idea.

Somebody always brings the calm, and it rotates

And I think the other part of it, especially as women, menopausal women: both Shay and I had meltdown moments last week. Both of us. Tara did not. So Tara kept Shay and me on an even keel last week. There’s always somebody in your group, if there’s more than two of you, who is able to bring the calm and the logic back to conversations. And it flows back and forth. Last week Tara kept us even. This week, I hope I can be that for somebody else. Because we pick up on those cues. Something’s off, something’s not right, and you don’t even have to say anything. It’s just, “Okay, Danielle, what’s going on?” And you’re like, “How did you know?” Or, “Tara, how are you doing? Something seems weird.” How did you know? We just do. It’s implied. You’re just in my brain. How many times have you told me that, Shay? Get out of my head.

And I think it’s so beautiful, because I feel like I have two extra brains now. There are times where I’m just stuck, and I can be like, “Ladies, what do I do?” And it’s so cool to see different perspectives. Okay, I didn’t have to put out the mental effort to get this question answered, and that’s saved me, so I don’t go into burnout. When you have very close friends that are also neurodivergent, it saves you from burnout in so many ways, emotionally, mentally, physically, because you have people telling you, “Hey, I’ve been on video with you for six hours and noticed you haven’t eaten. Why don’t you go eat? Why don’t you go drink some water? I haven’t seen your Stanley on screen this whole time.” Those are the important things we don’t think about.

Mine’s in the other room, sorry, y’all. I’m only laughing because that’s very common with neurodivergent people. We don’t have one drink. I might have to start carrying a third one around, so one has water and another has the drink with electrolytes. People laugh at me: “Why do you carry so many drinks around?” And I don’t have to explain it to you guys. You get it. One is for taste, one is for caffeine, one is for hydration. And you might need a fourth one for something else. Who knows? You just get it.

Accountability with compassion, not shame

Why is it important to find ND besties? Because you two, along with some of the others, have kept me at an even keel, able to get things done, with the body doubling, with just checking in, because there’s somebody who’s just checking on me. Around here where I live, there aren’t that many people like us. When there’s a lot coming at us, having that group to talk to, a couple people to bounce ideas off, those ideas help calm the brain down. You helped me with my meltdown until I finally said, “Oh, maybe we should try this.” And it’s things you don’t think of yourself.

Absolutely. When we’re stuck in the moment, stuck in an RSD moment, stuck in a meltdown, stuck in hyperfocus mode and forget to eat, drink, pee, all of those things, it’s really good to have people that get it and don’t judge you. You don’t judge me when I forget to eat for three days, or forget to drink water, but you do support. And the accountability is part of that. There is accountability built into ND Hive. Accountability with compassion and kindness.

So if I say to both of you, “Okay, when’s the last time you guys ate?” and you’re like, “Oh crap, I haven’t eaten since lunch yesterday,” it’s, “Okay, go get something to eat and then let’s talk, or get something and we’ll talk while you’re eating.” It’s not, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you’ve not eaten for a day and a half.” It’s just, here’s some kindness, let’s go get this done, now let’s roll with it. And part of it is the acknowledgment, too. Tara just watched me eat breakfast and said, “Oh, I’m so proud you’re eating.” That brings a little smile and joy, that somebody cared enough to notice.

Yeah. And I don’t feel the same internalized shame and guilt of not doing something when one of you says, “Have you eaten today? Have you drunk anything today? Why don’t you take a second and get some trail mix?” It hits differently. I don’t feel attacked. I don’t end up in that shame loop. Because it’s supportive. Maybe it’s a joke, maybe somebody sends me a GIF telling me to drink something, in a way my brain can understand today. You guys pick up on where my function, my spoons, are for the day, and send me whatever I need in the form I need it in.

Well, and I think it also helps us recognize some of those things ourselves. If we start getting repeatedly told, “Hey, get something to eat, get something to drink,” that’s an alert for us too, and it’s teaching us the tools. What do we need to do to implement that for ourselves? This last week, I’ve got a ton of stuff to do, and I know I’m not going to be paying attention. So I’ve asked my husband, who’s home during the day, “Hey, can you let me know when lunchtime is?” I know that sounds silly to a lot of people. How do you not know it’s lunchtime? Look at the clock. You don’t realize that when I’m busy doing the thing I’m doing, I don’t even pay attention to the clock, and it will be three or four o’clock before I notice, and that’s way past the time I need to eat. So we start building up those tools, by having people like Tara and Danielle saying, hey, you’ve got to start recognizing these things, because we keep telling you.

Pulling systems from each other

“Oh, don’t forget to write it down on your to-do list.” Yeah, right. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Because I’m definitely going to look at the to-do list. Where is your to-do list? Do you even know where it is? I know where mine is, because I finally figured out how to do it. Google Keep, because Danielle showed me last week. Mine’s still written down, because it’s that kinetic thing of actually writing something down, but I also keep it in electronic form, because it has reminders.

Exactly. And I think that’s one of the most beautiful things about having an ND bestie: we pull systems from each other. We bounce things off each other. I’ll be like, “Danielle, how do I declutter my inbox that’s telling me I have one percent left before I don’t get emails anymore?” Just talking about different systems, and then you can adopt those systems or try them out, and if they work for you, great. If they don’t, okay, move on. Google Keep this last week has been a lifesaver for me, because I’m constantly losing my to-do lists, and then getting emails or phone calls about “this needs to be done,” and I’m like, oh, that was on my to-do list, which is probably buried at the bottom of my laptop bag.

And being able to bounce things off each other, “hey, did what I just say come across a certain way,” and knowing that with ND besties we’re going to get raw, unfiltered advice, and it’s not going to hurt each other’s feelings, because we’re asking for it, and we know full well what we’re going to get before we even ask the question. And even if it is unfiltered and it hurts our feelings, we have the capability of saying, “Hey, that kind of hurt my feelings,” and then you can say, “What did I say?” It’s done in this back-and-forth flow that we don’t necessarily have with others.

Meeting besties “in the wild” and why structure helps

And one of the big important things to know is: we, as neurodivergent people, are very terrible at meeting besties in the wild without support. In the wild. I love that. I use that term all the time. I’m going to say that now when I go to appointments: I’m going in the wild. Sometimes we really need somebody else to provide the space for us to do that.

And of course, y’all have heard me talk about ND Hive, previously ND OutLoud, we rebranded because the app is coming out. I’ve done this for myself for 25-plus years, because I couldn’t make friends the way that everybody else does. Going out to a bar and hanging out with people, yeah, I kind of had friends there, but they were the friends I acted a certain way and put on a certain show for. And then I had friends over here, and it was the same thing. But I couldn’t find those friends that I could completely unmask with. It was really hard. So I had to create that space myself. That’s why I’ve always done retreats for neurodivergent women, and now neurodivergent adults in general, men and women. This was the first time I had men at a retreat, and that added so much fun for us. And getting to do things like Disney World, like we did a month ago, was life-changing for so many people. I have never experienced full neurodivergent unmasking to the level I did at Disney. It was so amazing to watch all of you.

Unmasking, oversharing, and the night at Fantasmic

Well, and I realized that when we unmask, sometimes it’s just way too much for people. Because we unmask, we are vulnerable, we allow a lot of sharing, and some people say it’s oversharing, but to us it’s kind of like, hey, this is who we are. And then they’re like, too much, too fast. But I love the fact that we can now do that and not be censored. I can say something to you, or Danielle, or to you, Tara, and be like, okay, they get it. It’s fine. If it’s oversharing, they’ll tell me.

I don’t think there’s ever been anybody who said, “Hey, that’s a little much.” We might joke about TMI, but it’s completely “keep going, we got you, keep going.” There is no actual oversharing. Which makes it so nice, because then I don’t have to censor everything I say, and how I say it, and what the reaction is going to be. Did I make friends or not make friends? All that craziness that goes on in your head. I call it King Arthur’s court. They’re all sitting around the table in there, and you’re just like, “Oh my gosh, shut up. Let me just be me.”

And I think the night at Fantasmic will forever be ingrained as a core memory. You’ll get this because you’re a Harry Potter fan, Danielle: like the Pensieve, I really wish I could pull that memory out and put it in a capsule. The night at Fantasmic, when I’m sitting there bawling my eyes out, sharing a really intimate poem that I had written, and just watching everybody looking at me and listening so intently, with zero judgment on their faces. There wasn’t a “why is this chick crying right now?” And then I look up at Danielle and she’s crying, and I’m like, “What’s wrong?” And she’s like, “No, this is what I had dreamed of when I made this trip.” There’s just something about that night that I will never forget, because the mask came completely off, for somebody who is autistic, ADHD, and struggles with anxiety. Being able to share that and not even have an afterthought about it. It was beautiful. It has changed me. And having ND besties like the two of you has changed me.

How do you actually make ND besties?

So, how do you make ND besties? Honestly, find a structure that’s already built, that you can just join, where they’re already gathering. And Facebook groups, oh my gosh, are not the place. That’s a really difficult one, because I’ve tried. People say, “Get in the group on Facebook and connect with people there,” and I find it a real struggle. Yes, they’re all our people, but at the same time, the levels are different. A Facebook group is not personal. It’s highly judged, because even if there’s only one person in there judging, somebody’s going to have a snarky comment. And seeing things in writing is very, very different from connecting in human space, in the wild. We need to connect face to face.

And sometimes it can’t be like Disney World. I understand Disney World is very hard for some people, because of expense and sensory overwhelm. But video calls can really help. Even people who didn’t attend Disney are feeling our energy from Disney. We had a couple of team members say, “We didn’t go this year. We’re going next year. We cannot miss this, because your energy coming back has changed everything.”

I want others to be able to make those best friends, because having neurodivergent besties is the most amazing thing ever. I met one of my best friends, Mary Beth, through doing this ND stuff, and if I hadn’t done that, however many years ago, I wouldn’t have met her. She has become one of my best friends in the world.

Well, I’ll tell you right now, the biggest part of it, too, is that this world needs a little bit more neurodivergence, because we have a little bit of fun in the chaos. Even in the meltdowns, we are laughing and crying, of course, but we have this capability of getting through those ups and downs pretty quickly when we have others who understand, that we don’t have to mask in front of, or pretend everything’s okay and then go hide in the corner and cry. When we have this group together, we can brighten somebody’s day quickly, because we pick up on it. We pick up on those little micro-behaviors. That’s another part of us: we just don’t finish the whole thought, but everybody else knows what we’re talking about.

For me, that’s what Disney opened up: the fun side. Because “you’re an adult, you’re supposed to behave, you’re supposed to do this, you’re supposed to do that.” Really? But because we’re so intuitive, we pick up on each other and can support each other the way we need to be supported. A couple weeks ago, my brain was just dead. I was so tired. And Tara just started sending me so many stupid videos, Disney videos and TikTok videos, and that helped. I didn’t even have to ask her for that support, because we just get it.

Body doubling with friends hits differently

So if you’re having a hard time finding people that get you, making friends with people that get you, come join us in ND Hive. We have group coaching calls, we have unlimited body doubling, we have our group chats in our community, which are expanding and getting crazy some days. We do entertaining challenges, and we clean our houses and declutter our closets and dressers together. We just make life better for each other. And sometimes freebie friends aren’t always the best friends when it comes to being neurodivergent. Sometimes we have to invest in our friendships, and sometimes that looks a little different.

And I will say, for people watching who have tried body doubling in the past, through other groups or free platforms out there, I tried them before joining. What I noticed, in terms of differences, was that I formed connections with you guys. Strong connections. So when I’m body doubling, not only am I able to get my tasks done, I’m getting some dopamine, because it’s like, my friends are here, and I’m working with my friends. It takes body doubling to a different level, because it’s a community. You get excited to see each other. You can’t wait to get out of bed, can’t wait to get to work so you can do the thing, can’t wait to connect with your friends, which increases your focus and helps you get things done. Because I’m going to ask you, “Hey, what are you doing today? What are you up to?” And if you’re rotting in bed and want to read a book and still hang out with us, go for it. If you want to clean your kitchen, great. Some days I’m working on my dissertation while I’m in body doubling, and my brain needs hyperfocus, and having other people in focus with me in the same space is the best thing ever for my neurodivergent brain.

Yeah. And Danielle, the day I body doubled with you and we were working on our laundry and our closets, just being able to say “this is what I’m working on,” and then say, “Oh, I’ve hung up all of my stuff now, it’s all done,” brought a level of satisfaction that nothing else can.

Absolutely. So if you’re looking for friendships like that, if you’re struggling to find people who just get you, we’re here. We are absolutely here. Come do life with us, because life is fun with us. I promise. Have a great day, everybody.