Rejection Sensitivity Is Not a Personality Flaw

RSD, school, and the negative messages that pile up early

This is Danielle with ND Hive and ND OutLoud, and all week we’re talking about RSD, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, not being a personality flaw. And because Katie is our educational consultant here, we’re going to approach it from dealing with going back to school.

Yeah. So many of us, both of us included, have past educational trauma, because again, we hear 20,000 more negative words than our counterparts, and I think in school we hear 15,000 of those pretty often. Even as college students and in postgrad work. I’m a PhD candidate, and I had to get into a major argument last year about my accommodations, which are documented, with my adviser, because I spelled one word wrong in a paper. I’m dyslexic. Severely dyslexic. I got the word so wrong that Grammarly and everything I’m allowed to use, it’s part of my accommodations, didn’t even catch it. And then I spent a month advocating for myself.

We all have stories like that, and much worse. I’ve got worse stories than that. But even at the postgrad level, we’re still having to argue for our accommodations.

Now, when you’re a parent trying to get your kids what they need the first time around, that is a whole other issue. And that’s where Katie comes in. I support the parents and I help them, but Katie comes in as an educational consultant to help them get IEPs and 504 plans and all of those things in place. So let’s talk about how RSD can affect your high school student, elementary student, college student, just because of past things they’ve had to deal with because of their ADHD, autism, whatever.

When advocating for yourself gets punished, you stop advocating

Yeah. The first thing that comes to mind is your advocating skills, and whether you advocate or not. If you need to advocate as a young child, or a middle schooler, or a high schooler, and you have negative reactions to that advocacy for yourself, then you’re probably not going to want to advocate.

For example, this happened to me. I would try to use my accommodations or advocate for myself, or teachers would say, “Use your accommodations,” and I didn’t like being pointed at, or being associated with disability, because I thought disabilities were bad. Because of the way others chose to advocate for me, without taking my feelings into consideration, it caused me to be ashamed of advocating for myself. Even when I got to middle school and I could just use my own accommodations, like when the teacher says, “Okay, everyone, put away your calculators, we’re going to have a test.”

The calculator story: shamed in front of the entire class

To the point where, when the teacher said, “Take away your calculators,” I had mine and I had to hide it in my lap, and other kids pointed me out for cheating. And then the teacher went up to the front of the classroom and said, “Oh, don’t worry, everyone. Katie has an IEP and she has a disability, because she gets numbers confused in her head, and she needs to use a calculator,” and just looked everyone in the eye. And IEPs are confidential, so that’s not legal, and that’s why she got fired. And she thought she resolved it by putting a fun-size pack of M&M’s on my desk and saying, “Good luck on your test.”

I didn’t write a single thing on that test. I didn’t write my name. I didn’t answer any of the questions. And not only did I have that shame in front of the entire class, but I was bullied by the person who said, “Teacher, teacher, Katie has her calculator in her lap.” I was bullied by that person for six more years, to the point where we actually got in a physical altercation senior year because I told him, “Stop it. This is ridiculous.” So, no wonder people with ADHD have RSD.

Absolutely. I’ve had teachers bully. I come from a time when being labeled with a mental disability was very much a thing, and they didn’t recognize autism in young girls back then. I would have teachers pick on me for that. I had multiple teachers say, “Oh, Danielle just can’t do anything.” Which, again, to your point, should never have been said in class. “Well, Danielle can’t help it. She’s not smart enough to do that.” We’ve heard these things so often.

Parents: it really is that big of a deal

And so when your child starts expressing what you consider overreaction, “you’re being a drama queen, you’re being too sensitive, chill out, it’s not that big of a deal”: yes, it is that big of a deal. And we need to, as the parents, as the ADHD coaches, as the therapists, as the teachers, take that into consideration, and stop being ableist, first of all. And second of all, really hone in on what this child needs to feel safe and not stuck in a shame loop, because they’re not going to do well in school if they’re stuck in that shame, or their executive dysfunction has taken over and there is no executive function because they feel bad getting their calculator out.

This is why I’m more of an advocate, and there is a plus side and a not-plus side to this, for removing a child who has accommodations other children don’t get to another room to take a test, or scheduling tests for after school or before school. Depending on how your child does, first thing in the morning or late in the afternoon, wherever their executive function is at its best. Some of us don’t do well first thing in the morning, and others of us are much better in the afternoon. Accommodate those things at different time periods.

Yeah. I think accommodating them at different time points, and also knowing that might not work for some families, so teachers have to get creative. And also understanding that ADHD and autism, neurodivergence, doesn’t only affect kids in the classroom. It affects outside the classroom too. It affects before school, when kids are interacting. It affects in between classes when you get into middle school and high school. It impacts lunch. It impacts after school. It impacts interactions in classrooms when a substitute teacher is around and their teachers aren’t. It impacts all of these different things.

RSD outside the classroom: lunch, gym, and substitute days

It very much does. I actually want to talk about that a little bit more. I’m working with a parent right now, not their child, and she already has an amazing teacher this year. They’ve been in school exactly three days, and the teacher was not going to be in school on Friday. This teacher reached out to the mom, because of this child’s IEP, and said, “You might want to keep your child home or prepare your child, because I will not be in the classroom half the day.” This teacher prepared the parent ahead of time so they could prepare their child.

This same child does not eat school lunch, and by the end of the day they’re dragging because their stomach doesn’t feel well because of their ADHD medicine. This is a reality for many of our kids. I know you’ve talked about that before, that you didn’t really eat during the day at all, then were ravenous after school, because you just couldn’t do it.

And as a mom of a neurodivergent child, he’s almost 30 now, so it’s been a while, but on days that they had gym, he could not cycle back down after gym for like an hour. He tried to not do gym, because he knew he would get in a lot of trouble on gym days after gym. And then he got in trouble in gym. Parents and kids and teachers and aides really need to look at these kids very differently and explore what is triggering this.

Get curious about the behavior instead of punishing it

What’s triggering this behavior? Why is this behavior happening? Especially if it’s a behavior that’s not always happening for this child, or a behavior that only occurs in certain circumstances. It can be environmental, circumstantial. Get a little bit curious. Be a little detective.

Be curious. Ask. Because I will tell you that even some of the five-year-old kids I’ve worked with, and my son when he was that little, would tell you why they don’t want to do XYZ. “I don’t like how that paper feels. I won’t work with that.” And you want to know what the paper was? They were working with foam stickers, and he didn’t like the feel of them. Wouldn’t touch them. Okay, so give him something else to do. There are a lot of other ways to practice that same skill, and I’m talking at the kindergarten level. Why don’t you like that? Ask. Just ask the question. Maybe they can’t express it, and they might not know. But you might make them think, and they may tell you later, or the next time.

Yes. And parents get so wrapped up in gentle parenting: “I don’t want to make my kid think,” or “if I take away the iPad they’re going to scream.” Kids will be kids, but you can push your kids. I’m not saying push them super hard, but you can challenge them mentally, and you can even challenge a sensory issue, which I know goes against a lot of what’s out there right now. Yes, in the moment it might trigger some RSD. But if they don’t try to touch the glue, if they don’t try to touch the sticky thing they may not like, they’re never going to know when they can touch something they might like, or know how to recover from it.

Right. Start when they’re with you, in their home safe space. That is the best time to challenge them. Challenge them with you first, so that when they go out into the world, and the world might not be as accommodating as you are, they’re able to process those emotions internally, or have those emotions with someone else, and be able to get through it. Continue to be resilient.

The world will not always accommodate you, and that is why we practice

Something this brings up, and I’ve had this conversation so many times: the world is a mix of neurodivergent people and neurotypicals, people with physical disabilities, mental disabilities, visible disabilities, invisible disabilities. The workplace cannot accommodate all of them, not automatically. Can workplaces do a better job than they are now? Absolutely, that’s a very different discussion. However, they’re not going to automatically accommodate you. You have to learn how to adjust and self-regulate in moments when you can’t get the accommodations you need.

And you also have to learn to speak up for yourself in a positive way, not just exploding. RSD is one of those things that can make that hard. Even as an adult, I have moments where I have a hard time holding that in when I’m having a really bad day. I’ve “peopled” too much today, now I can’t function, and I hate everyone and hate everything. Okay, but that doesn’t mean we can treat others around us with the results of that internal feeling.

So we need to start showing our kids how to deal with this now. Again, safe spaces at home. If your kid doesn’t like to touch the glue at school, great. Let’s make a mess at home on the weekend and teach them it’s okay. They can go wash their hands every two minutes if they need to, to help get rid of that feeling. Great. Or they can wear gloves. Give them tools that are able to get them through the world.

Exactly. So, what are you doing, and how are you creating safer spaces for RSD to happen, and teaching your child, and yourself? If you’re in college and you haven’t learned, we’re here to help, because it is hard. It is so hard to overcome that rejection sensitivity and the past trauma that brings up RSD, even at the college level. Let us know where you are right now, and we will let you know how we can help you. Get curious about yourself. If you don’t know how to help yourself, get curious. Have a great day, everyone.