We’re Not Distracted. We’re Overstimulated.

Who ND OutLoud is

Danielle: Hello there. I’m Danielle Ralston. I am the founder and head coach here at ND OutLoud. What is ND OutLoud? ND OutLoud is a team of neurodivergent coaches. We are neurodivergent, every single one of us. TBIs, PTSD, ADHD, autism, AuDHD, bipolar disorder, all of the things. We also have a passion for supporting others like us, so that you don’t have to struggle like we did in our past. We have all taken trainings and certifications so that we can support you in living a better life and upgrading all of the things that are frustrating about your life.

What is this session going to give you? Actionable tips. Yes, we’re going to talk about our programs and the things that we offer, but I want you to walk away with something actionable for something that is overwhelming, frustrating, or just plain annoying you right now in your life. Or, if you’re a parent or a spouse of someone with neurodivergence, something to help them as well.

When everything is overstimulating at once

Danielle: Good morning, everyone. I hope you’re having an awesome day. We haven’t done this in a whole month. We took September off, and now it’s October and it’s ADHD Awareness Month. So many companies and apps do all kinds of stuff for it, but we’re just plugging along doing what we normally do. Tips, tricks, everything we need to not be distracted, because we’re overstimulated all the time.

Shay: I am extremely overstimulated today. Like everything is overstimulating today. My hair is overstimulating, my shirt is overstimulating, my fingernails. Everything. So what do you do on days like that?

Danielle: Those are hard days, I’m not going to lie to you. A lot of those days, this is my best friend: my headphones. I can tune things out. I put something on, whether it’s music or a show, and I can tune out the rest. I make sure my clothes are comfortable. If my hair starts bugging me, I get it pulled away from my face or up in a messy bun. That’s a big thing. And having a nice warm drink. Of course, if you have a warm drink, you need to have a cold drink too. There are a lot of little things we can do to deal with that overstimulation.

Sometimes I’m overstimulated by just the light, so I’ve got to have a room that’s kind of dark. Or the noise outside, because we’re still in a construction area with them building around us. There are a lot of things that can happen to stimulate us, but we’ve got to be aware of what those things are.

Shay: I think that’s a huge aspect, because a lot of us are just not aware. There have been times I’ve talked to you, Danielle, and you’re like, “Shay, you act like you’re a little overstimulated.” And I’m like, “No, I’m just bothered today. It’s just an irritant.” And you’re like, “No, no, no. Let’s look at what’s going on.” And once we talk about what is physically going on and what is mentally going on, we realize that the physical is pushing the mental overstimulation, or vice versa.

Thousands of tiny forks: finding the real triggers

Danielle: Absolutely. The big thing to remember is that when we are overstimulated, we have to backtrack a lot. And I think we forget that. We attack the thing we think is overstimulating us, but we’re not looking at everything. I’ve talked about this before: “stick a fork in me, I’m done.” It’s not that there’s one fork in you that’s annoying you. There are thousands. Thousands. And they range from little teeny tiny forks all the way up to huge pitchfork-sized forks. You have to start removing the tiny ones so that you can handle the things that are big and overwhelming.

Is it your shirt? As a woman, is it your bra? Is your bra itchy today? Are your earrings too tight? Do you need a headband? Do you need a baseball hat to shade some of the light, and do you need that pressure on your head, especially for those of us that have chronic illness and migraines? Is your shirt too warm? Are you too cold? Are you too itchy? What are all of those little things?

There are a million ways to handle that. Change your shirt, but also change your location, change your temperature, whether it’s your physical or your environmental temperature. Go outside if you’re too warm inside, or vice versa. Turn the air conditioning on, turn a fan on, get a cold drink. My favorite thing when I’m really overstimulated because I’m too hot: I grab a couple of ice packs and put them on my wrists.

Shay: That’s a great one. Or run cool water over my wrists if I can’t get to an ice pack. Huge help. It brings me right down. Doing lots of vagus nerve resets, deep breathing, ice on my neck, all of those things help. But also, what are the things that are calming me? Like this new cup I got. I love this cup because it’s textured. Each one of these blocks has a different texture in it, and it’s become a fidget for me.

Building a sensory toolbox you can grab fast

Danielle: Having fidgets, just simple fidgets, like stress balls. Or just messing with my headphone case. This one I got when we were down in Disney, it’s a nice fidget, the hourglass thing that Hermione wore, and the sand goes different ways while you sit there and fidget with it. Create the area to have that quick grab. Like these magnetic little guys we give away. Having a ponytail holder on your wrist that you can mess with. Rings that you can twist. Whatever it is. We need a toolbox full of things that help us get out of that overstimulation.

Shay: Sometimes it might even be a little stuffed animal. I’ve got that yellow one up there with very soft yarn on it, so when I’m really stressed I can just pull it down. And they kindly got me a stuffed animal that has little bees inside that make noise, so I can shake them, but they’re soft.

Danielle: So what things can slow your brain down, slow you down, keep you from jumping into that pool of overwhelm? Today it’s this, and the next day it’s something else. It doesn’t even have to be the same thing. And those of us that are in perimenopause have this whole other level of overwhelm: hot flashes, dry itchy skin, stomach issues, hormonal issues, brain fog. Then if you’re a chronic illness person like me, I have all of those things, and then I’m AuDHD. So my level of overwhelm is always at 9,000, and then I add those other things and I’m now at 50 million some days. Understanding that I need to pull those little forks out, just pull some of the things out to make life easier overall, is a big deal.

Humor, community, and the 14 trips back inside

Danielle: And humor. Give yourself a little humor. For heaven’s sake, the world is too serious. Let’s laugh at something. When you can start laughing at the silly things you do. Seriously, guys, tripping up the stairs is one of my classic things. I do it all the time. Every time I do it, my kids are like, “Oh my gosh,” and I’m like, “Yep, it’s just that big hairy toe on the end of my foot.” You’ve got to find ways to have some humor in this too, to lighten the mood, lighten that overstimulation.

And sometimes you can’t find humor in it ourselves, so that’s where coming into community to complain about something helps, and somebody’s going to giggle. And I swear to you, we are not giggling at you. We’re giggling with you. Somebody said something a couple days ago and everybody just stopped and started snickering, and I was like, “Okay, yeah, that’s funny.”

Shay: Like trying to lock your house with your car keys. We had somebody do that. How many times have we walked out the door pushing the button and our car’s beeping, and we’re thinking, “Why is the house not locking?”

Danielle: Or, why can’t I get into this vehicle? Because I have the keys from the other vehicle. Why can’t I start the car? I’m hitting the start button, trying it 20 times before you realize you have the wrong keys. Oops, wrong vehicle. Or walking out without your purse. Walking back inside to get your purse. Walking out, realizing you now don’t have your phone. Having to walk back in for your phone, and now you left your purse behind that you took in with you. And then you forgot your water bottle, and then your drink, and it’s 14 trips inside before you can finally leave.

Shay: You’re taking the dog to get a haircut and you forget the dog. There’s not humor in it in the moment, but there is afterwards. It does stack up, though, and we have to release it. You really do have to release that tension. Because “if I just did things right in the first place and got it right the first time, I wouldn’t be so frustrated” is not a reality for us.

Systems for the things you always forget

Danielle: So how do you accommodate those things? I have a setting before I leave, and my phone knows when I’m leaving the house. I love technology sometimes. It’s a little creepy, but I love it. If I have an appointment on my schedule, it will ask me if I have everything I need before I go to my appointment. And then I can run through the list. It’s not that I don’t know it, it’s that I forget to even think about knowing it.

Shay: Yes. Because you’re like, “Oh, I’ve got to make sure I take that paper with me when I see the doctor, or I’ve got to take this by the bank, or take the mail down and get the tracking number.” It’s small, but our brain just kind of puts it in a box, sets it on the shelf, and forgets it’s there.

Danielle: So, remembering to look at the shelf. We know the shelf is there. We just don’t look at it. We do forget. We’re easily overstimulated, and overstimulation can cause us to forget things. It causes us to be late, because we had to go back into the house 12 times for the 12 things we forgot.

Shay: What’s your highest number for doing that? I think mine’s like seven, recently.

Danielle: I actually have no idea. I don’t think I’ve ever counted. Sometimes it takes me multiple trips back in the house. But that’s okay. Being able to laugh at yourself, or having tools built in so those incidents don’t even come up.

Preparing for known triggers before they hit

Danielle: And preparing for the consistent things that you know overregulate you. Consistently, light will overregulate me. So I have blinds I can close to decrease the light in the room when I need to. My house hardly ever has lights on during the day, because it can overstimulate me. How do you prepare? Making sure you have clothes in your closet that are comfortable but are also equivalent to what you need to do. If you have to dress in professional dress, find the comfortable professional clothes, the comfortable professional shoes. Make sure that you’re accommodating yourself, not trying to fit in.

Shay: We had a discussion about this yesterday. What do you classify as professional? What do you classify as what you should show up as? Not what everybody else is telling you, but what do you yourself show up as? Because if I had a professional dress on and my hair all done and makeup on, I would be more concerned about how my hair looks. “Oh my gosh, that one piece is sticking out. Oh, my makeup.” I’d be so concerned about everything outward that my brain would not even be able to focus on this conversation. It would appear I’m distracted, but I’m not distracted. I’ve just got so much stimulation going on that I can’t pay attention to what I need to pay attention to. There’s a lot you can prep for ahead of time.

Everybody uses accommodations, including you

Danielle: Absolutely. And understanding that it’s okay to accommodate ourselves. We don’t have to do things like everybody else. As a matter of fact, I don’t care whether you have ADHD or not, you don’t have to do things like everybody else. You can create your own ways to do everything. Everybody needs accommodations, not just somebody who’s ADHD, autistic, or in a wheelchair. We often think accommodations have to be extreme, like getting a ramp for a wheelchair. No. Wearing glasses, that’s an accommodation. Wearing a sweatshirt because you’re cold is an accommodation. Everybody needs accommodations.

Shay: There are a lot of things we don’t realize we’re already accommodating ourselves with that are naturally accepted. So the other things can be accepted by you. And if we start looking at ourselves and saying, “You know what, I accept who I am, where I am. This is who I am. These are my strengths, these are my areas where I need some help or assistance or accommodation.” Once you accept that, then you can start really looking into it and saying, “This is what works. This is how we can do it.” For me, to settle down when I get really hyped up and physically stressed, I need to go do something physical to release some of that and process. For someone else, it may be the exact opposite. They need to sit still, wind down, have soft music. Me, I’m like, give me that hard slamming, banging, I’ve got to get this out. And then I’m okay.

Live question: too many tabs open, none with the answer

Danielle: We have Wendy over on LinkedIn asking some questions. She has ADHD, and she says her brain has more tabs open than her laptop, and somehow none of them ever have the answer.

Trying to find the answers myself is the thing that always kept me stuck and unable to figure out what to do next. The minute I started operating in community, that changed. We have 10 hours a day of mentorship, body doubling, and coaching calls, Monday through Friday, of people just helping each other. So I don’t have to figure out which tab is making noise. I can go ask Shay: “Oh my gosh, today is just insane and I’m overwhelmed and I can’t figure it out.” And Shay and Jessica and Tara and Tim, somebody is going to have an answer for me that I can try. Because we’re all ADHD, ADD, some combination thereof, and we help each other.

When I try to find the answer for myself, I’m not going to find it most of the time. And this is coming from somebody who has 25 years of ADHD coaching experience. I’m still not going to be able to support myself as much as somebody else’s goofy answer, which 99% of the time is going to help me.

Shay: And Wendy says, “And throw back at you what you tell us to do, and you’re like, oh yeah, I did say that.”

Danielle: Well, yeah, there’s that. And I love when somebody does that to me. Wendy also says she plans to be on time, but her brain goes on snack break halfway out the door. Very familiar. Part of that humor comes from being in a group of people who get it. We don’t have to explain ourselves all the time. If I come in and say, “Oh my gosh, I was 20 minutes late because I was walking out the door and had to go back in the house four times,” everybody’s like, “Uh-huh.” There’s no condemnation or shaming for it. No “I can’t believe you would be 20 minutes late.” It’s more like, “Oh yeah, we get it. Here’s what we do to help.”

Shay: There’s commiseration sometimes, and that helps an immense amount for acceptance. Because it’s not us accepting that we’re screwed up and broken. It’s the “Oh my gosh, I have been there, Wendy. I did that yesterday and I was 40 minutes late because I totally forgot about it.”

Danielle: That was me on Friday. I got ready early, and I sat down, and I got distracted. Or I fell asleep. Or I couldn’t find the thing I thought I had. Or I don’t know where the car keys are. All of the above. I was hungry and decided to make myself this elaborate lunch instead of getting to my doctor’s appointment on time. And then I got something on me, and that made me even later because I had to change my clothes and find something that would fit, that was comfortable, and, and, and. We have these things come up, and we get it.

Operating in community, community is one of the biggest tools that I have, because my community keeps me sane.

Shay: I’ve only been in the community since January of this year. It feels longer, but it’s not. Still, within that time frame, I have been able to build a business, coach new people, expand my creativity the way I wanted to, get good advice and good suggestions, and alleviate some of that heaviness we carry. When I’m feeling stressed and heavy, all I need to do is reach out to the community, and the community’s like, “Hey, what’s going on?” It’s not always the same person, and it’s not always the same time, but there’s still that connection that allows us to know, okay, we’re going to be okay. Maybe they don’t have answers in that moment, but they’ll come back with an answer, or they will help you find the answer for you. “How do I keep myself from getting overstimulated?” “Well, have you tried these ideas?” “This didn’t work.” “Okay, did any part of it work?” There are so many ways we can help each other. And when we help each other, we’re not only helping that person in the community, we’re helping all the people who connect with them, and all the people who connect with those people. It branches out into such a supportive community that you can’t even realize it until you’re in it.

Danielle: Absolutely. Even if nobody has the answer, just having somebody go, “Ah, been there. I’m so sorry today sucks.” And not treat me like it’s my fault, or like I’m broken for it. Understanding, commiseration, community. And never hearing anyone say, “Oh, it’s all in your head,” or “Just get over it.” We have enough of that in our life. We have enough people telling us that.

What do you do when ADHD medication is not an option?

Danielle: Wendy says she’s struggling with ADHD and dyslexia, and now she’s in Puerto Rico, where they don’t really see a need for an adult to have meds. She’s tried no meds and got fired within one week, and it’s affecting daily life. Adderall has been what works for her since 5th grade. How do you not get meds but still keep a job?

I will say, both Shay and I are two people who are unable to take medication. For us, it’s not society, it’s that I just cannot take ADHD medication. And for me, my top three things: I have to have accountability, and I need it all day long. Not everybody needs it all day long. I need it all day long. That is what I figured out works for me. I have to body double almost constantly, almost all my tasks, including cleaning my house, including meal planning. All of the things, I have to body double. And I always have to have a coach. Because if I don’t have a coach, I am not staying on task and following through for myself. I get distracted and unmotivated without that accountability community, which is the body doubling piece, and a coach for myself.

That is something I need all the time, and it’s why Shay and I do what we do here, because we believe in that so much, and we believe in offering it as affordable care. Not everybody can afford a coach. Coaches can be really expensive. I used to be a coach that charged $20,000 a year. And I learned that I really want to work with people who don’t necessarily have the access, which is why we charge $20 a month for 10 hours a day of support every weekday. Not weekends, because we all need breaks and become squirrels on the weekends. Some of us have to get away from the computer.

Shay: And that’s the bottom line, we have to recognize it. Danielle, how long did it take you to figure out those were the top three that you needed?

Danielle: It took me six failed businesses and a bankruptcy and almost losing my marriage.

Shay: And we hear that over and over again, with my clients, with your clients, with our community. How does our ADHD affect relationships, jobs, our own personal skills, our kids? What are we setting them up with if we don’t have the tools? Honestly, I didn’t even know I needed these tools until the last few years of my own life, because mine exacerbated after a car accident. What I thought I had that was functioning didn’t work anymore. It affected my job, my family, my marriage, even my family outside my immediate family, my siblings and my parents, because I didn’t know how to regulate my emotions. Zero to Mach 5000 in a heartbeat. Not understanding why, and then feeling that remorse, that sick-to-your-gut feeling, and shame.

Danielle: Shame, I think, is the worst. Because when we’re in shame, we won’t share. We don’t tell anybody, because we’re too embarrassed.

Finding an affordable coach who actually gets it

Danielle: Wendy asks, how do you find a coach? We have several on our team, and I know for a fact we are the most affordable ADHD, autistic, dyslexic, chronic illness coaches that exist out there right now. And we do that on purpose. None of us do this to make money, believe it or not. Charging $20 a month for 10 hours a day of support is not something I can support myself on, but I have other businesses. Same with Shay, same with Tara, same with Tim. We all do other things, but we want to be the most affordable option out there for people, and give people options. Because it is so life-changing to have understanding and accountability and support.

Shay: I realize if I would have had this 10 or 20 years ago, how much different it would have been for my kids growing up. Because my kids have ADHD too. The buck didn’t stop at mama. If I would have had a community I could have gone into, I would have been able to say, “I am really struggling with my child.” And someone might have said, “Okay, you’re struggling with your child, but what are you struggling with? Let’s work with you, because we see the ADHD with you, too.” It’s been probably 10 years now since I was diagnosed, but if I would have known that as a kid, as a teenager, as a young adult, as a young mama, how much could we have done differently?

Danielle: My son is 28, so I knew I was ADHD before I knew him. But I didn’t realize I was autistic until I got him diagnosed when he was seven. How much more could I have helped him earlier if I would have known? And helped myself. I almost lost everything because of me not understanding myself.

Shay: I’m going to say something blunt here. We struggle with people saying they don’t understand me. “I’ve gone to therapists, I’ve gone to coaches, and they don’t understand me.” You’re going to get help from someone who isn’t walking that path. Now, I’m not saying therapists and counselors can’t help someone with ADHD. But if you have someone who is already walking through that path and has those skills they can teach you, as a coach, a therapist, a counselor, that’s a lot more effective than trying to figure it out yourself or going to somebody who doesn’t understand that kind of neurodivergent brain.

Loving yourself out of the shame spiral

Danielle: Having somebody who understands. And Wendy just said one thing she figured out: we teach kids all about loving others, and we need to remember to teach each other about loving ourselves. We do need to love ourselves. That’s one of the things community has really taught me, to love and accept myself. I don’t feel broken. I don’t feel shame. I mean, we all have bad days when we feel frustration and we’re overwhelmed and overstimulated. But having a community who understands that means I don’t get into those shame spirals and rejection sensitivity quite so much with myself.

Shay: I love the fact that I can show up to body doubling and just be me. I could put pigtails in, and nobody would be like, “What are you doing?” It’d be more like, “Hey, are you doing all right?” Because they know there’s a shift in how I’m appearing. But there’s no embarrassment.

Danielle: I am the crazy one who will show up with Mickey ears on, depending on my day. Or crazy headbands and crazy colored hair, and nobody bats an eye. Nobody judges. There’s no judgment, and I love that.

If you’re looking for community, if you’re looking for support, if you’re looking for somebody to just understand you, come join us. Shay and I are going to be back every week having these conversations, and I so look forward to hearing from you. Have an amazing day, everybody, and Wendy, thank you for joining us today.