Why Unmasking Decreases Overwhelm (After It Increases It)

Mickey ears, Star Wars ears, and the unmasking paradox

Danielle: So we are in our Mickey ears, except of course I have to go Star Wars, because there is no not bringing Star Wars. I don’t think I own any ears that aren’t Star Wars ones. We’re talking about the importance of unmasking today and how it decreases your overwhelm. Full transparency: it’s going to increase your overwhelm first, before it decreases it, because you have to get comfortable. Any time we try to get comfortable with something, it takes more out of us at first than it does once you get used to it and do it regularly. It’s a comfort level thing. So understand that unmasking is part of decreasing your overwhelm.

Overwhelm is a form of self-sabotage most of the time. We get overwhelmed, then we feed into that overwhelm, and then we increase our own overwhelm, and we don’t give ourselves the tools to decrease it, so we’re constantly in that cycle. It’s only 8:00 in the morning, I’ve had three coaching calls today, and I’ve talked about this on every single one. And it lined up with our plan today and our social media, so it was the perfect combination. So, how do you decrease your overwhelm, Vee? I already know the answer to this, which is why I’m asking.

Sensory resets that actually decrease overwhelm

Vee: Okay. So how do I decrease my overwhelm? If I have space, I hula hoop. I actually have space in my house, there’s one spot where I’ll hula hoop, and my kids will walk by and everybody just kind of goes around me, like this weird flow of traffic thing. If it’s nice outside, I’ll go outside, which does multiple things, right? Getting outside, we change our location, we get a little sun. If you need to ground yourself, you can touch grass. I do a lot of sensory activities when I’m overwhelmed. Maybe I’ll put my feet in warm water in the bathtub. We do a lot of that kind of stuff.

Danielle: And all of these are also things that you started doing when you unmasked.

Vee: One hundred percent.

Danielle: So why are we talking about unmasking now? And you’ll notice we talk about it a lot around here. Because I have learned that the parts of me that were still overwhelmed too much, the high achieving, the overworking, all of those things, unmasking has decreased the need for me to do those things to feel better.

Vee: Yeah. Unmasking is a huge part of finding who you are, understanding our bodies, our brains, our sensory needs, and feeling better, all at the same time.

Sexual needs, stimming, and dopamine: the unmasking nobody talks about

Danielle: Now, I know that Denise, and I think probably Vee too, and this is a conversation that will make me blush, they do other things to decrease their overwhelm. Denise fully talks about masturbating to decrease her overwhelm. It helps decrease overwhelm when you’re in need of dopamine, in need of relaxing, all of those things. And that is also an important part of unmasking and understanding your needs. People are going to say, how is that unmasking? So Vee, I’m going to toss that to you.

Vee: So that is a huge sensory stim. It’s essentially like jumping rope. You’re getting a rush of dopamine, adrenaline, even oxytocin, a lot of different feel-good chemicals. Sex, solo sex, which is masturbation, all of those things are huge sensory-seeking activities. I talked about this on another ADHD podcast. The host asked, well, how do those work in an ADHDer’s brain? And I said, it’s the same as eating a bunch of sugar, or going and playing basketball, or swimming, all of these sensory-seeking things that we do. Some of them just light our brains up more than others. So if you’re a hypersexual neurodivergent person, these can help you. And being able to unmask our sexual needs is huge, because for most of us, even the thought of wearing Disney ears or a weird shirt so people turn around and look at us in public is kind of cringey at times. So being able to sit down with a group of people and talk about your sexual needs, or even talk about them with your partner, that is a huge level of unmasking, because you have to be really vulnerable to talk about that.

Unmasking is vulnerability, not a costume

Danielle: And that’s part of why I brought this up. Unmasking isn’t just wearing goofy ears, the goofy t-shirt, goofy earrings, goofy makeup, play therapy. It isn’t just those things. It’s understanding and being vulnerable about your needs, whatever those needs are. Wearing the ears and the earrings and the cool t-shirts is absolutely part of that, but the next step is the vulnerability of doing it. And Vee, I think you’ve talked about this a couple of times on camera, that it’s a different level when you’re able to unmask by yourself, not just in a group.

Vee: Yes. Being able to unmask takes a lot of bravery. It takes some audacity. It takes a little bit of rebellion, because you’re going against what the status quo has conditioned you to do all these years. For some of us, in our safest space, we can unmask by ourselves, a little bit. You wear your comfort clothes and you don’t feel shamed about it. You drink your comfort drink. There are all these things that bring us comfort, whether we’re cognizant of it or not. We let our hair down just a tiny bit. We have our comfort show that we watch.

But really being able to let go and unmask? Think about the biggest sugar rush you were ever on, or when you were overtired and kind of grouchy. Those are generally when your mask is falling off, because you can’t maintain your poise if you’re hyped up on sugar or you’re overtired. It’s the same with our ADHD symptoms, they get harder to manage, and the mask is harder to manage, when you let yourself go to those extremes. And sometimes the mask is really important for people. They don’t want the world to see their true selves, because they’ve been abused a lot because of it. But I think maybe, now that I’m 44, I just don’t give a…

The acceptance and growth cycle of being neurodivergent

Danielle: As I get older, absolutely. As I get further out of my comfort zone, absolutely. So why do we teach unmasking, and why do we focus on it so much? It is such an important part of acceptance: acceptance of ourselves, acceptance of our needs, sensory needs, physical needs, mental stimulation needs, sexual stimulation needs. Unmasking is a huge part of the acceptance and growth cycle of being neurodivergent. And when we’re always trying to do the thing the internet gurus tell us to do, more productivity and hustle and all of those things, when you start learning that you don’t have to do that, that you can do things your own way, that levels up the acceptance to the next level.

Vee: Well, and then what kinds of things are we able to model for our kids, too? If you’re around little kids and you’re acting kind of like a little kid, no one’s going to say anything, because, oh, you’re playing, you’re with the kids. There’s a level of acceptance with unmasking with kids. If you’re a teacher, like I was for a long time, I could be kind of weird and quirky, because I was a teacher and I was supposed to make it fun for kids.

Danielle: The irony of that, for me, is that everybody needs that. There is a time and a place. I’m not going to walk into some corporate board meeting and just let it all fly. And there are people who see me differently because of my unmasked self versus my masked self. When I start talking to people about things, I have had people turn and look at me like, “Wow, you’re really smart.” And it’s like, what does that even mean? But some of that comes up. So I unmask for myself, and I unmask to model it for my kids.

And I will tell you, it is easier to unmask with a group of neurodivergent people, because I don’t have to constantly explain to them that I’m AuDHD and I have a lot of sensory needs. It is way easier. That’s part of why we’re looking forward to the Disney trip: we get four days of being our completely unmasked selves in Disney World, where nobody, even inside Disney World, is going to look at us strange. I am planning what I am wearing, because my husband and my son and my daughter-in-law are all not so good with the unmasking, and they would have had a fit if I had fully been my full self in Disney World. Moments of it came out, and there was lots of eye rolling. So I fully plan on dressing up as a Star Wars character when we’re in Hollywood Studios, and I am going to Disneybound in Magic Kingdom, and I plan on doing it in every single park.

Disneybounding and unmasking in public

Vee: I think you should do what makes you feel good, because that’s part of us modeling it for our clients too, and for the people who come on the trip. Look, if you can’t unmask even a little bit at Disney World, we have some different kinds of work to do. I have seen people there who just cannot help but unmask a little bit, because everybody is joyful and everybody is super accepting.

Danielle: Do you know who is not accepting of stuff at Disney? Other park goers. And it’s a very, very small number. When I was in Magic Kingdom, I had a purple dress with white polka dots all over it, and I wore my Yoda ears. And yes, I know Yoda doesn’t go to Magic Kingdom. I didn’t care. I had pink and white sparkly sneakers and sparkly heart earrings. And I had so many little girls come up to me and say, “I wish my mommy would wear what you have on.” All the little kids were dressed up as princesses, and there were a few teenage girls Disneybounding a little, and a few women.

I had one woman who was very Disneybound. She was very much trying to be Snow White without being Snow White, because there are rules. She was fantastic, and she and I sat and talked for like a half hour. She’s ADHD, and she has ADHD kids, and she wants to teach her kids to have fun with themselves, and she didn’t understand what that meant. So we had a whole conversation, I info dumped on her, and now we’re friends on Facebook. Even though she didn’t know what she was modeling for her children, she was modeling having fun, letting loose, and allowing herself to let go.

For those of you who don’t know Disneybounding: you’re not allowed, as an adult, to dress up as a character at the park. But because people still like to dress up, there is a way you can get away with it. You dress in the colors. This girl had a yellow top on, a blue skirt, a red belt, and a Snow White backpack. That was her Disneybounding.

Why we teach these skills, and how to get help with your own unmasking

Danielle: We will talk about this more as we get closer to the trip, and you’re going to hear a lot of content around it, because the premise of everything we’re teaching is so important. There’s a reason we’re doing this. We’re going to be teaching the skills from the trip here eventually, so people can get access to them. All of these skills are such an important part of acceptance and growth when you are neurodivergent, and I want you to hear those stories and understand why we teach them the way we teach them. And yes, we get to have fun while doing it, because we’re unmasked.

Have an amazing day, everyone. I know Coach Vee has a coaching call here in a moment. I hope you ask questions. Ask questions about unmasking, about how to discover what is overwhelming to you and what your sensory needs are. We are happy to help you figure it out. We are here to support you with all of this.

Vee: And for those of you parents out there whose kids are on spring break, and it’s totally changed the dynamic in your house for a week, I feel you. Danielle even got a slightly kind-of spring break, because her kids are there too.

Danielle: Yes, my kids are in my house, and somebody may be choked soon. I love them, but I really want to choke them. Anyway, have an amazing day, everyone, and ask your questions. We’re really happy to help you discover what’s going to help you unmask. Bye, guys.