You’re Not Broken: Shame, Not ADHD, Is Sabotaging Your Habits

Meet Allison Steinkey: habits that work with neurodivergent brains, not against them

Danielle: Hey everybody, this is Danielle with ND Hive and ND OutLoud, and we have Allison Steinkey with us today. She has a really cool program that we’re going to talk about. She is a certified health and wellness coach and a holistic nutritionist. She helps neurodivergent adults build healthier lives in a way that actually works for their brains. We all need that. We definitely all need that. And she really has a heart for working with neurodivergent adults. So I really look forward to walking through what she’s going to have going here in January and helping people really understand, I mean, there are a lot of people out there who say they can cure ADHD, but trying to fix or cure your ADHD is not what you need to do. You just have to find your strengths and learn to work with your brain. And that is a core of what Allison does.

So Allison, you’ve got this really cool challenge coming up in January. You and I have been talking about it for quite a bit now, and I’m really excited to see where this goes. What finally made you realize that habits weren’t the problem, and shame was? Because that’s a big thing that you talk through in your challenge.

Shame, not habits, was the real problem

Allison: Well, I was shamed for many, many years. My ex-husband had ridiculous expectations for me, and I kind of beat myself up quite a bit. I left him nearly two years ago now. And one of the first things I did was ask myself, what do I have to do to become healthy so that I can be the best parent I can be for my kids? One of those things was retraining my mind. I would default to shame and I would beat myself up. I’d say, why would I do that? Why did I say that? Why did I say it that way? Why didn’t I do this? And I had to learn to stop that. It was a process. It took time. We build pathways in our brains, and things become habits, including the way we speak to ourselves.

So it was a lot of work, but I worked at it. I made a lot of other changes as well, but that was a big piece, changing my mindset and understanding that it’s okay to be who I am. In fact, that’s a good thing. And it’s okay for everyone to be who they are. Everyone was made differently, and we are all beautiful the way we are, and we can work with that and honor who we are. I also discovered things like celebrating wins, enjoying the journey, enjoying the process, instead of having that idea that if I can’t do it all tomorrow, then forget it, it’s not worth it.

Danielle: It’s such a beautiful thought process, and I know all of us who are neurodivergent always have those shame cycles. So I love that that’s one of the things you really tackle at the front end of this.

Whose voice is telling you to change? Motivation versus outside pressure

Danielle: One of the things I really noticed, and I saw this in your workbook: when people say they want to change, how often is it actually their voice versus outside pressure pretending to be motivation? That toxic positivity motivation thing.

Allison: Yeah. And that’s one thing that, like you said, I address right away. Whose voice are you hearing? What is your why? Why do you want to make these changes? Is that actually coming from within you, or is that something that society is putting pressure on you for, or a spouse or family or friends or whatever it is? Because unless it’s really coming from within ourselves, it’s not going to carry that lasting motivation that we need.

Why the challenge starts with dreaming instead of doing

Danielle: You also talk about starting this challenge with dreaming instead of doing. Why do you start with dreaming? Because I know for me, especially as somebody who is ADHD, dreaming is not an easy concept for me to get. It feels uncomfortable and kind of gross and sticky. So why do you start there?

Allison: That’s part of the why. That’s part of understanding what you really want. What’s your ideal? What are you aiming for? What are you trying to do? Instead of just saying, “Oh, it’s January, I should be exercising, I guess, so I’m going to exercise.” Because that just doesn’t carry lasting motivation. So really having an idea of what you want and what that would look like in your life, what that would look like in your kids’ lives and your family and the people around you, how that would change. And if we have that dream and that idea, that’s something we can go back to as well. We can go back and review it when we are feeling down or stuck. We can go back and say, why am I doing this? What am I doing this for?

Danielle: I really love that. As an ADHD coach, obviously this is something I talk about, even though it’s a concept I get stuck in myself. We have to know why we’re doing something to change ourselves. If we don’t have a clear why, you have no clear direction. And we don’t talk about goals around here either, because goals are gross feeling, especially when you’re neurodivergent.

How to know what season you are in, and when to stop pushing

Danielle: You talk a lot about seasons in this challenge. So how do we know what season we’re in, and when it’s time to push and when it’s time to stop pushing? How do we figure that out?

Allison: It takes a lot of self-reflection, and that’s why journaling is part of this. And also we can ask other people around us, you know, what do you see? But if we look back on our lives, you can ask yourself: what’s my energy like? Am I craving rest right now? Am I craving adventures? What’s my workload like? What’s my emotional state like? What’s my mental state like? Do I need goals that are more supportive, more restful, or do I need something a little bit more exciting, something with more adventure? Understanding where you are is important because it helps you understand what type of goals or habits you can work with and build on.

Danielle: Okay, I feel like I just got called out a little bit. I’m having a hard energy day today. Should I be doing anything? No. But am I? Yes. Not such a good idea.

The energy drains people normalize: sleep, food, and social obligations

Danielle: So what’s one of those big energy drains that people normalize that’s completely wrecking their habits and their follow-through?

Allison: A couple come to mind right away. Okay, there are three that come to mind right away. One is lack of sleep. People get this idea sometimes that, oh, I’m a hero, I’m a martyr, and I sacrifice my sleep for these things that I need to be doing. When I decided that I can’t give my kids two parents, but I can give them one healthy parent, I asked myself, what will make the biggest impact? What do I need? And the first thing that came to mind was sleep. We have a harder time losing weight if we don’t sleep well. We have a harder time getting things done that we want to, having energy, having emotional regulation. All these things we need sleep for. So sleep was the number one thing that I tackled.

Another big energy drain is the foods that we choose to eat and our eating schedule. Making sure that we get adequate nutrition in, enough times in the day, at the right times. And then another one is emotional drains: parties, events, social things. Saying yes to people and social events that drain us. That’s one that takes wisdom and guidance, and sometimes we need each other to work through those. But being aware of what we can handle socially is huge, especially for those of us who are neurodivergent.

Danielle: I think knowing that social energy is a really important thing, especially this time of year. We’re recording this the week before Christmas, but it’s going to be coming out just before Christmas and New Year’s, and all of the parties and social obligations and all of the things. I think it’s really important to have somebody who can help us say no, or say yes when we need to say yes. Because again, where are you in your seasons? What are you doing? So I love this topic. It’s a really big topic, especially right now.

What you walk away with: a framework instead of all-or-nothing thinking

Danielle: What is one of the biggest things that you want people to walk away from this challenge with?

Allison: So often people want to make healthier choices and habits, and they feel a little bit lost. There’s very often some shame, like you mentioned at the beginning. I want them to walk away with a framework that they can follow, an idea, so they don’t feel so lost. They’re like, “Okay, now I can do this. Now I can build on this.” You know what I love doing? I love losing clients because they figured it out, and they can say, “I got this. I can do this. I know how to build the habits.” It doesn’t happen super often, but I had one woman who was just a star at this type of thing.

And that’s a beautiful thing, to understand, okay, now I know I need to check in with my energy. I need to build habits one small change at a time, celebrate my wins, go back and figure out what changes need to be made. Instead of the thing so many people struggle with, which is all-or-nothing thinking. If you can’t get it figured out right now and you don’t do it perfectly, then you’re a failure and then you quit. That’s something I struggled with a lot over the years, and I see so many women struggle with it, and I’m sure the men do too. A lot of us who are neurodivergent struggle with that quite a bit.

Danielle: That’s a big thing. So what do you want somebody to walk away from this challenge saying?

Allison: I want them to walk away with more confidence, and to feel like they have figured out how to get where they want to be. And that doesn’t always mean they’re working on their own. We need community. We need each other, right? That’s one of the steps in my workbook, organizing supports: getting people to encourage you, people you can go to when you struggle, that type of thing. But I want people to have a better idea of how their brains work and how to build habits, and to have the confidence that they know they can do that.

Danielle: What I’m hearing is you want somebody to go, “Oh, I’m not broken. I just needed help in the right area.”

Allison: Yes. Yes.

Supporting neurodivergent business owners

Danielle: I love that. I very much love that. If you want to check out Allison, we’ll have all of her links below. Check out the challenge. It’s going to be fantastic. I’ve gotten to spy on the workbook and all of the questions and everything she’s going to be doing every day, and I very much believe in this. It’s the kind of thing we teach here every single day. I very much enjoy supporting other ND business owners like Allison. If you’re an ND business owner like Allison, please reach out. I want to talk to you. I want to hear what you’re doing, and I want to support you, because that’s what our world and our community is all about. Have an amazing day, everyone.

Allison: Thank you, Danielle.